On Relationships — Above and Sideways
Having walked through life’s hills and mountains for over twenty years, I have picked various flowers and carried along some animals in my pocket as companies for this lonesome journey. Throughout the way, I have came to hold some closer to my heart, some dropped, and some escaped. While it was more difficult for me back then to let go of companies that did not serve me any purpose anymore, it never cease to leave any mark on me when it happens, even until now. Depicting myself as the main character in my own story is selfish when I do not think of these companions of having their own thoughts and stories. We crossed path, but we parted along the way, and it cannot be bargained for.
Everyone, everything, comes and goes for a reason, either a blessing or a lesson, or at least that is what I was taught. But I came to realize that if they are not a blessing nor a lesson, maybe you are the blessing, or the lesson. Since the day I opened my eyes, I was probably considered one major blessing in my parents’ tiny world. There, one immediate reason for my existence and my relationship with my parents began. Growing up, I might not have the most ideal parents-daughter relationship, which shaped me and how I behave towards external parties outside of my family. Before turning 21, I have come to the realization that I have not been the best person during the first two decades of my slow-paced life. If I could give a title to my past self, and her cringe opinions, I would call it ‘Selfish’. No more, no less.
Most of my life, I struggled with maintaining both friendships and romantic relationship(s). It is easier to point fingers outwards than it is inwards. My idealistic juvenile self always positioned herself as the victim of her current situation. But I have gradually changed, the tides had swept my feet hard and clean, struck me with the realization that there are things grander than I and my peculiar little feelings.
As a hard-on thinker, it never appeared to me that I would spare my one-seater to anyone beside myself, offering it to anyone and begging them to sit with me. But only about two months ago, I learned that the hardest lessons had to be taught through pain, as it is one way to leave a permanent mark on a person’s headspace. I looked at myself, looked at him, looked at the people around me. I have grown jealous about how others are able to maintain relationships, or friendships in general. On the process of accepting, I pointed nineteen of my fingers (involving my feet as well) to myself, putting the weight of blame on my shoulder, and one pointed above. In this entanglement I found myself in, there is one relationship that I have had the hardest time with. One that had to seemingly be the simplest, turned out to be the most complicated I have gone through.
On Sundays, I usually don’t shower until I have had my breakfast, just like any other day. Once in a blue moon, I shower first before I even have my first bite of anything. I hold my hunger until I am done listening to sermons, probably at 10 AM. Kickstarting my day by listening to something that had never been familiar to me felt odd. It felt that way not solely because it was not familiar, but rather, it should have been. My relationship with Him is like having your professor as an ex, but for a course that takes a lifetime. I never dare to look directly into His eyes, never on the front row on his Sunday lectures, and I do not have the ability to talk to Him without breaking down or crying. In my sanctuary, I listen to music that reminds me of Him, being upset on why is it tedious to get back to Him again.
Just as the sun and the earth, I have had my perihelion and my aphelion periods. Not coming from a religious family, I spent my days mostly closer to aphelion. I was once in a point where I almost escaped the orbit, but I was pulled in by another back to my orbit. But after going to university, almost nothing reminds me of Him anymore. I found it funny and entertaining, seeing how the disciples who claimed themselves to sit closer to Him at dinner, disappointed me, sinned hard, and worse, used His name as a disguise for their vile intention. Feeling better about myself being an honest sinner is not right, so I always brush off that recurring thought. I am a sinner, no more than anyone in this face of earth, a liar or an honest man.
I have had His closest disciples disappointed me and abused my trust that I bestowed to them. If you are going to come at me saying that His disciples and Him are two different entities, I know, I know, I know. Maybe my algorithm is faulty, maybe I am far from saving, but here goes, my disappointment towards aforementioned disciples left me in the corner, alone again, trying to reach back out to Him without any guidance or reassurance I desperately needed. As much as I disrespect them at this point, I can never not be jealous of them and how easy it is for them to look at Your face and know that they are beyond worthy. I hope one day I can feel the same.
Going back to church leaves me feeling out of place, praying leaves me feeling empty, and the thought of being baptized petrifies me. If you ask me, do I believe Him, most probably yes. But I am hanging by a thin thread that can break at any given time. In the meantime, I will be in my room, listening to “Too Sad To Cry” by Sasha Alex Sloan, “i still talk to jesus” by LANY, or perhaps “Amazing Grace” sung by Andrea Bocelli in front of Duomo di Milano. I hope one day it will be much easier to love Him, as much as I poured my heart into the wrong man.